Five

There's a lot of change going on in my life right now - as it always seems to do - change comes in two forms - that which creeps day by day, week by week, and on and on so that its presence is as a parasite - feeding off the energy of your life and you're not sure why.

The other kind is that traumatic change that comes all at once.

You're moving.
You're changing churches.
You're changing jobs.

It's a jolt. It catches your undivided attention and dominates all aspects of life.

The change that comes through death is this way, too.

Five years ago, today. How is that possible?

Did it just hit me that five years ago today my brother died?

Nope. April 17 lurks on the calendar. It finds me even when I don't want it to.

You who have lived with and through such a thing can bear witness, of that I have no doubt.

So, I'm with family today.

Need to call my sister.

Some melancholy? Sure. But surprisingly, not too much.

Living. Being. Remembering.

All seem the right way to honor a life whose impact crosses the barriers of mortality.

When my kid smirks like he did-when a "tall tale" is woven worthy of Jimmy - I smile.

In many ways, dealing with the remnants of his presence in the lives of those I'm charged to raise now helps me come to grips with those lingering parts of sadness and guilt from what I didn't do or didn't say.

I pray I get it right this time.