After 8 years and 374 posts, I feel like it's time to put the blog thing to rest.
This will be my last post on this blog. It's not like I have nothing else to say, but there are other avenues to do that. Shoot, I may learn to be so poignant and concise that I'll master the art of doing it in 140 characters or less (don't count on it)! And then there's always "the" Facebook.
The factors prompting me to launch this in the first place are not what they were...a lot of things can change in 8 years, and that's been the case with me. Bottom line...I just don't want to do this, like this, anymore.
Over the years I've revealed a lot about a few things that matter very much to me, and a little bit about a lot of stuff going on in the world. I've revealed my story...my journey. I've written much about me. Arguably too much. But I've tried to be true.
Upon reflection some of what I've shared would have been better for a journal. Living in the stream of consciousness that I do, some of what I have written is just me sharing where I am at a given moment. Most folks get that. Others want to dissect it and parse hidden meanings, and that fatigues me.
When I write wondering what the reader will think, and if I edit myself for fear of how it will be received, it's time to stand down.
I never started this to get denominational notice, although I surely say a lot about my denomination. If you're looking for that kind of blog...there's ton of 'em out there each begging for your notice and acknowledgement of how relevant their words are for issues confronting the church. And a few of them really are that relevant. A very few.
It's not that I'm writing less. I'm probably writing more than ever, but my writing is staying with me for now as I process the next phases of my life in ministry. In my journal I'm free to write for me, what I think, what I feel, and I don't have to interpret it. That's my "zone" right now.
I'm not planning on deleting the blog. The day may come when I take it back up, but I do not see it on the horizon. Ultimately I may grab some posts that meant much and migrate some other place...but that's not a worry for me right now.
For those who've hung in there with me across the years, I appreciate it. A few of you were there from the very start, and I know you'll stick with me still.
Peace, y'all.
Johnny
Thursday, January 03, 2013
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
On the first day of Christmas ....
Time for my annual rant.
"Christmas is over," so says the marketplace, media types and others. The work of putting away all the exterior fixtures showing we had "Christmas spirit" will be gone by the weekend. Presumably, so will any of the interior work we will have done.
As long as we can put Christmas in a box to open when we want and put it away when we say, then there is no true transformation.
The Church observed Christmas as a season. The impact of Incarnation requires meaningful time be observed. The newborn Jesus deserves our attention more than just seeing him lay away in a manger. We who have had newborn children know that there's only one thing better than the first time you see the baby---it's the next time you do.
The days of Christmas (yes, there are 12), allow the reality of Jesus to "breathe" in us. It gives room for us to take in the implications of his life in the midst if ours.
Maybe one of the reasons we put all evidence of Christmas away so quickly is that while we're happy to observe the season, we're not convinced we can be transformed by it....and that goes for institutions as well as people (can you hear me talking, UMC?)
So let this season "be." And "be" in this season. It may just be that the changes in life we most seek are being packed away in storage boxes with tinsel and lights.
Friday, November 23, 2012
Don't Feed the Bear
We are creatures of calendar.
In recent conversation with a colleague in which we were conferring on a date for a possible meeting, I reached for my iPhone to touch the icon that opens my calendar app. He, on the other hand reached inside his blazer and there found his little black "Cokesbury" calendar.
Doesn't matter the medium, we are bound by what we mark inside our calendars. Appointments, events, meetings--ah, yes, the many, many meetings...these things written in a calendar become the official record of our lives. We do what it says and when it says to do it.
Standing there with my clergy friend with calendars open offered a moment of clarity glimpsed only for a second by any with awareness to notice, as we both did. Almost instantly a memory sparked of life growing up in a parsonage, as we both did, when the "preacher's pocket calendar" would arrive in mid-December just ahead of the new year.
I watched that calendar referred to, checked and studied with a frequency and intent one normally reserves for sacred texts. Many were the times I recall several preachers being together when someone would mention the date for an upcoming event, it was as if a liturgical cue had been uttered on a par with "The Lord be with you." The hands reaching inside suit coat pockets to bring forth the appropriate response was an automatic as is now a congregation's "And also with you." (By the way, interesting thing, that...how a response comes so freely and automatically that, only 25 years ago in the Church, was a strange and foreign tongue).
For me, that little black book, which I've not used in years, was among a handful of talismen verifying and validating who I was as a Methodist preacher. Long before I was credentialed by my Conference to be an Elder in the Church...I knew I was a Methodist preacher when I received my black robe (which I haven't worn in 20 years), possessed my very own bonded leather hymnal, and when that little black calendar came in the mail addressed to me.
When I wore or brandished these things in public, more than me knowing who I was, I wanted to be sure you knew who I was.
These things all mattered more than they should. But as we all try to figure out who we are, there's a tendency to place more value on the exterior than those things of ultimate meaning found within.
As I've journeyed, and as I still seek to know who I am, I lean on those exterior things too much.
The complexity of life right now is such that dependency on a calendar is required. I'm not sure I know where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing without it.
Hmmm, maybe the comparison to calendars and sacred texts is more prescient than it is a cute observation?
The exteriors, those things I allow you to see, are not what they once were, but they're always there. I'm not alone and hardly unique in this regard. We clergy all have them. For some of us it's the toys...I mean, tools we use to "do our work." Maybe it's what we drive, or where we're appointed, or what committee we're on....if not grounded well in things of ultimate meaning, how we think we appear to the world (and especially to our peers) holds way more power than it should.
I written many times about clergy and our relentless pursuit for relevance. Given the personality types of many of we who are clergy, you can't really blame us. Each week we are charged with the task of saying something of meaning framed from the text of the day to help guide the lives of those under our charge. Sometimes we're able to do that and we know we've done it. Often it's the case that we get through a sermon fairly certain we've completely screwed it up only to hear in the gratuitous "enjoyed it preacher" line someone with teary eyes and open heart look at us and say "you said exactly what I needed to hear, thank you," and you've no earthly idea how that happened (no earthly idea, indeed).
I learned several things long ago from Michael Williams, who's now at West End, Nashville. I don't really know him, but I remember him preaching at Benton Chapel, VDS, when I was there. Rather than stand in that venerated pulpit he stood there, in the nave, with us and proclaimed Gospel. I was transfixed. And I remember saying to myself, "I've got to do that." The other thing he said when asked about the task of preaching was seeking to be very clear about getting out of the way. He said that the prayer he prays before he preaches, every time he preaches is something like this, "Lord, if I screw this up, please use it anyway."
Ever since then, I've prayed it, too. Oh sure, my mouth may say "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation....," but my heart is praying "Lord, if I screw this up (and being from where I'm from and given what my mood may be at a given time, the language may be more colorful than that), please use this anyway."
We like to feel like we've made a difference. When that's acknowledged, it feels good. I don't care how much we feign modesty, it feels good. There's nothing wrong with that. But when we depend on that and conspire by what we say or write to receive it, we become little more than actors on a stage begging for applause.
Preachers, did I just break the code? Ooops, sorry.
And now we've more ways to feed that narcissistic beast than ever...Facebook, Twitter, sermons streamed across "the internets," and blogs, blogs, blogs. We've multiple avenues to say something, be seen as important, insightful, a mover and shaker. Exterior stuff, that.
Nothing wrong with the exterior...so long as there's something of value inside and our intent is clear as it comes through what we say.
As one of my clergy parents (and I have a few) is want to say, and speaking at a time when none of the above existed, "Some people have something to say, and some people just need to say something."
No longer driven by the calendar that says we've got to find something to say because Sunday comes every week, we now have the opportunity to proffer a "relevant" comment about everything, everyday in real time. We've gone from week to week to minute by minute.
Some of my colleagues are really good at this. Their sense of awareness of life, the world and the challenge of the Gospel provide real guidance along the way. Some of my brothers and sisters (mostly brothers) need to learn the wisdom found in that great hit by the Tremolos, "Silence is Golden."
There's a lesson to be learned by clergy from the greatest sportscasters. In the moments of highest drama, of greatest impact...they fall silent to let the moment be, to let it breathe among all the witnesses. There will be ample time to speak to the moment, to reflect upon it and offer perspective. But in the moment to fill the space with words is to get in the way.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to wrap this up and push "publish."
I've not posted anything on my blog since September.
Like I said, we're creatures of calendar, and I'm oh, so late in writing something for people to read.
In recent conversation with a colleague in which we were conferring on a date for a possible meeting, I reached for my iPhone to touch the icon that opens my calendar app. He, on the other hand reached inside his blazer and there found his little black "Cokesbury" calendar.
Doesn't matter the medium, we are bound by what we mark inside our calendars. Appointments, events, meetings--ah, yes, the many, many meetings...these things written in a calendar become the official record of our lives. We do what it says and when it says to do it.
Standing there with my clergy friend with calendars open offered a moment of clarity glimpsed only for a second by any with awareness to notice, as we both did. Almost instantly a memory sparked of life growing up in a parsonage, as we both did, when the "preacher's pocket calendar" would arrive in mid-December just ahead of the new year.
I watched that calendar referred to, checked and studied with a frequency and intent one normally reserves for sacred texts. Many were the times I recall several preachers being together when someone would mention the date for an upcoming event, it was as if a liturgical cue had been uttered on a par with "The Lord be with you." The hands reaching inside suit coat pockets to bring forth the appropriate response was an automatic as is now a congregation's "And also with you." (By the way, interesting thing, that...how a response comes so freely and automatically that, only 25 years ago in the Church, was a strange and foreign tongue).
For me, that little black book, which I've not used in years, was among a handful of talismen verifying and validating who I was as a Methodist preacher. Long before I was credentialed by my Conference to be an Elder in the Church...I knew I was a Methodist preacher when I received my black robe (which I haven't worn in 20 years), possessed my very own bonded leather hymnal, and when that little black calendar came in the mail addressed to me.
When I wore or brandished these things in public, more than me knowing who I was, I wanted to be sure you knew who I was.
These things all mattered more than they should. But as we all try to figure out who we are, there's a tendency to place more value on the exterior than those things of ultimate meaning found within.
As I've journeyed, and as I still seek to know who I am, I lean on those exterior things too much.
The complexity of life right now is such that dependency on a calendar is required. I'm not sure I know where I'm supposed to be and what I'm supposed to be doing without it.
Hmmm, maybe the comparison to calendars and sacred texts is more prescient than it is a cute observation?
The exteriors, those things I allow you to see, are not what they once were, but they're always there. I'm not alone and hardly unique in this regard. We clergy all have them. For some of us it's the toys...I mean, tools we use to "do our work." Maybe it's what we drive, or where we're appointed, or what committee we're on....if not grounded well in things of ultimate meaning, how we think we appear to the world (and especially to our peers) holds way more power than it should.
I written many times about clergy and our relentless pursuit for relevance. Given the personality types of many of we who are clergy, you can't really blame us. Each week we are charged with the task of saying something of meaning framed from the text of the day to help guide the lives of those under our charge. Sometimes we're able to do that and we know we've done it. Often it's the case that we get through a sermon fairly certain we've completely screwed it up only to hear in the gratuitous "enjoyed it preacher" line someone with teary eyes and open heart look at us and say "you said exactly what I needed to hear, thank you," and you've no earthly idea how that happened (no earthly idea, indeed).
I learned several things long ago from Michael Williams, who's now at West End, Nashville. I don't really know him, but I remember him preaching at Benton Chapel, VDS, when I was there. Rather than stand in that venerated pulpit he stood there, in the nave, with us and proclaimed Gospel. I was transfixed. And I remember saying to myself, "I've got to do that." The other thing he said when asked about the task of preaching was seeking to be very clear about getting out of the way. He said that the prayer he prays before he preaches, every time he preaches is something like this, "Lord, if I screw this up, please use it anyway."
Ever since then, I've prayed it, too. Oh sure, my mouth may say "Let the words of my mouth and the meditation....," but my heart is praying "Lord, if I screw this up (and being from where I'm from and given what my mood may be at a given time, the language may be more colorful than that), please use this anyway."
We like to feel like we've made a difference. When that's acknowledged, it feels good. I don't care how much we feign modesty, it feels good. There's nothing wrong with that. But when we depend on that and conspire by what we say or write to receive it, we become little more than actors on a stage begging for applause.
Preachers, did I just break the code? Ooops, sorry.
And now we've more ways to feed that narcissistic beast than ever...Facebook, Twitter, sermons streamed across "the internets," and blogs, blogs, blogs. We've multiple avenues to say something, be seen as important, insightful, a mover and shaker. Exterior stuff, that.
Nothing wrong with the exterior...so long as there's something of value inside and our intent is clear as it comes through what we say.
As one of my clergy parents (and I have a few) is want to say, and speaking at a time when none of the above existed, "Some people have something to say, and some people just need to say something."
No longer driven by the calendar that says we've got to find something to say because Sunday comes every week, we now have the opportunity to proffer a "relevant" comment about everything, everyday in real time. We've gone from week to week to minute by minute.
Some of my colleagues are really good at this. Their sense of awareness of life, the world and the challenge of the Gospel provide real guidance along the way. Some of my brothers and sisters (mostly brothers) need to learn the wisdom found in that great hit by the Tremolos, "Silence is Golden."
There's a lesson to be learned by clergy from the greatest sportscasters. In the moments of highest drama, of greatest impact...they fall silent to let the moment be, to let it breathe among all the witnesses. There will be ample time to speak to the moment, to reflect upon it and offer perspective. But in the moment to fill the space with words is to get in the way.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to wrap this up and push "publish."
I've not posted anything on my blog since September.
Like I said, we're creatures of calendar, and I'm oh, so late in writing something for people to read.
Saturday, September 15, 2012
The Voice
The music library on my iTunes is a mess. So while trying to clean it up the other day I came across a few files I didn't expect to find....didn't even remember they were there.
They were of me.
Not of me singing, although with the advent of various iPad/iPhone apps, there does exist recording projects not for general distribution. When coupled with those projects I have done for public consumption, I've amassed a decent body of work.
No, these files were of me preaching.
They were of sermons preached between 2004-2008. There's about a half dozen or so. I don't recall loading them up. I've wondered if they got caught up in my library when I changed the location of my music from the onboard hard drive to an external one.
My first impulse was to clean them out, delete them. Why bother? No one is more critical of the preacher than the one who preached it. There was a time when that self criticism would devolve into self loathing, but that ain't me no more!
Thought it might be fun to see if I could remember preaching them.
I didn't.
But there was something I heard that sparked remembrance. Something I'd not heard in some time.
It was the voice.
There were flashes of the prophetic. I guess it could have been there since, but messages carefully calibrated for context lose there, uh, "umph" (that's a homiletics term). And I've been deep in the wilderness of my own spirit since, so I'm not sure I could have heard it anyway.
But I've "Come out the wilderness," in the last year, so ears that can hear, do.
"Hey! There he is! I know that guy!"
It's not they were extraordinary, in fact I'm quite sure they weren't, but they were proclaimed with conviction. To be sure ("to be sure" was a favorite clarifier of my Hebrew Bible professor at Vandy, Walter Harrelson, may he rest in peace), if you can't preach prophetically from the pulpit I stood in back those days, you may as well hang it up and go home.
Within any vocation there is a moment when one in pursuit of it finds their voice. It happens when confidence is imbued from the solidarity and faith found in those who believe in you and claimed internally as being true. It's that moment when all you've done before, all you've studied and practiced flows freely. The product of that acceptance is "the voice."
I've witnessed it happen. It is a glorious thing to behold.
We clergy live into many roles in our work--pastor, priest, prophet. Because the need of the moment may require more energy from one nature of work than the other, some parts of our voice stand back to make room for what is more necessary.
I know this is so. I've done it.
Sometimes we don't utter the prophetic not because we need to be more pastoral or priestly, but because we're afraid of the consequences that come from having done so. Scripture is pretty clear about what happens to prophets.
This whole "follower of Jesus" thing is not for the faint of heart.
This whole "follower of Jesus" thing is not for the faint of heart.
Because if the gospel we preach is only a warm tub of cheap grace goo, it's not real. If it's not making us squirm as it confronts us then we're not speaking it.
If it's only about "them" and not at all about "us" then we are deluding ourselves, and are just playing at being church...which is really the best definition of a hypocrite I've found..."play acting."
The Gospel that needs to be spoken must be with a voice that even if silenced "the very stones would cry out."
Well, I haven't been playing at it, but I have been careful, and I think necessarily so for context.
But having heard something I'd missed, it reminded me of a part of my call that cannot be denied...it must be spoken.
And it will be.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Home Is...
Robert Frost said, "Home is the place where, when you have to go there, they have to take you in." It's Maya Angelou's take on Frost that resonates more with who I am..."Home is that place that when you go there, can't nobody put you out."
My weekend in Mayfield far and away validates Frost via Angelou.
Despite what I've thought and preached about "home," as it relates to me in my own story, I've lived too long with the thought that it's Thomas Wolfe who was correct..."you can't go home again."
I'm here to tell you that in this instance, Wolfe's wrong, and so was I.
The sequence of events that brought me to Mayfield on the occasion of the Class of '82's 30 year reunion is not nearly as significant as the keen sense of knowing that I was welcomed and remembered.
In that one openly wounded chapter of my life for which there seemingly could never be closure I found grace--grace in the celebration of memory. Now some memories are those I'd just soon forget, but to have them recalled in the company of those who knew, who were there, it was a remarkable thing.
While many of the people with whom I reconnected I had seen around my senior year (thus, the aforementioned utterly unforgettable episode), most I had not seen in 37 years.
"Hey, I remember you!" I heard that quite a bit...which was wonderful because with the exception of a few folks whom I knew were interested, I was expecting "And you are?
What are you doing here?"
I also heard, "I thought that was you!" Wonderful!
On seeing people I thought I'd never see again - Yes, we're all older. And yet through the signs of age, of life lived and sometimes lived hard, I could see the spark of people as I remembered them. The curiosity of what ever became of someone was present but the gladness of just being together was stronger.
A number of people live in Memphis. Who knew? One in particular lives not too far from my Church. So knowing who I am and what I do, he had no qualms about asking me to pray for the gathered bunch before the party really got started.
"Really Arthur? They don't know me like that, I'm just Johnny."
Well, actually for a number of them I was JJ. It was the early 70s. "Good Times" was a hit TV show...you do the math. If "Dyno-mite" means anything to ya, there you go.
So I prayed, and it felt right because the emergence of the "me" I've long sought has found joyful passion in reclaiming that what I do is who I am. And to be who I know I'm called means that I'm bringing the fullness of who I am, without fear or worry, into what I do.
I was taken aback by the table on which many candles burned reflecting the memory of those no longer with us. It was so many. I remembered most and some very well. Car wrecks, drugs, violence...all of it was sobering reminder of life's fragility and the consequences of choices made that yield results never expected.
While there I had occasion to walk the old neighborhood, to see the places I used to live in Mayfield. Surprisingly, the walk didn't take me nearly as long as my memory would have me believe. The place is small, and as a community Mayfield struggles to find a viable way through amidst the exodus of industry across the years.
My old school isn't a school anymore. It's the County Health Department. That was an odd thing. But the new elementary school is a sign of progress, right?
I saw my first grade teacher whose name I had never forgotten (you always remember your first grade teacher's name, right?), but that was a long time ago, would I even recognize her?
Answer? Yes. Not even a question. And even more surprising was that she seemed to remember me. Evidently, I was quiet and sweet in the first grade (what happened there, I wonder?) "Yes, ma'am" came out of my mouth automatically when she spoke to me.
My weekend in Mayfield far and away validates Frost via Angelou.
Despite what I've thought and preached about "home," as it relates to me in my own story, I've lived too long with the thought that it's Thomas Wolfe who was correct..."you can't go home again."
I'm here to tell you that in this instance, Wolfe's wrong, and so was I.
The sequence of events that brought me to Mayfield on the occasion of the Class of '82's 30 year reunion is not nearly as significant as the keen sense of knowing that I was welcomed and remembered.
In that one openly wounded chapter of my life for which there seemingly could never be closure I found grace--grace in the celebration of memory. Now some memories are those I'd just soon forget, but to have them recalled in the company of those who knew, who were there, it was a remarkable thing.
While many of the people with whom I reconnected I had seen around my senior year (thus, the aforementioned utterly unforgettable episode), most I had not seen in 37 years.
"Hey, I remember you!" I heard that quite a bit...which was wonderful because with the exception of a few folks whom I knew were interested, I was expecting "And you are?
What are you doing here?"
I also heard, "I thought that was you!" Wonderful!
On seeing people I thought I'd never see again - Yes, we're all older. And yet through the signs of age, of life lived and sometimes lived hard, I could see the spark of people as I remembered them. The curiosity of what ever became of someone was present but the gladness of just being together was stronger.
A number of people live in Memphis. Who knew? One in particular lives not too far from my Church. So knowing who I am and what I do, he had no qualms about asking me to pray for the gathered bunch before the party really got started.
"Really Arthur? They don't know me like that, I'm just Johnny."
Well, actually for a number of them I was JJ. It was the early 70s. "Good Times" was a hit TV show...you do the math. If "Dyno-mite" means anything to ya, there you go.
So I prayed, and it felt right because the emergence of the "me" I've long sought has found joyful passion in reclaiming that what I do is who I am. And to be who I know I'm called means that I'm bringing the fullness of who I am, without fear or worry, into what I do.
I was taken aback by the table on which many candles burned reflecting the memory of those no longer with us. It was so many. I remembered most and some very well. Car wrecks, drugs, violence...all of it was sobering reminder of life's fragility and the consequences of choices made that yield results never expected.
While there I had occasion to walk the old neighborhood, to see the places I used to live in Mayfield. Surprisingly, the walk didn't take me nearly as long as my memory would have me believe. The place is small, and as a community Mayfield struggles to find a viable way through amidst the exodus of industry across the years.
My old school isn't a school anymore. It's the County Health Department. That was an odd thing. But the new elementary school is a sign of progress, right?
I saw my first grade teacher whose name I had never forgotten (you always remember your first grade teacher's name, right?), but that was a long time ago, would I even recognize her?
Answer? Yes. Not even a question. And even more surprising was that she seemed to remember me. Evidently, I was quiet and sweet in the first grade (what happened there, I wonder?) "Yes, ma'am" came out of my mouth automatically when she spoke to me.
I saw and spoke to the first girl I ever called on the phone. Age 6. Thank you.
She gave me about as much time as she did back then, too. Seemed about right.
I owe much to my friends who really wanted me to come back. Kenny, Liz, Elaine and so many others. It is a good thing to be wanted, no?
Because I have a gig on Sundays I didn't stay as late Saturday night as I would have preferred. But as I drove away I had this strange feeling. What I expected to be closure wasn't. The journey isn't complete, it's ongoing. No more than my leaving in 1976 left relationships undone only to realize closure in 2012, for a number of these people, my friends, who know me only as Johnny (ok, or JJ), it's just the next thing in relationships that last a lifetime.
As I was saying my goodbyes, my friend Michael (apparently he's Mike, now), says, "See you in December?"
"For?" I ask.
"For when Mayfield goes back to State. See you there?"
"Would not miss it."
And why wouldn't I? It's my hometown team.
I owe much to my friends who really wanted me to come back. Kenny, Liz, Elaine and so many others. It is a good thing to be wanted, no?
Because I have a gig on Sundays I didn't stay as late Saturday night as I would have preferred. But as I drove away I had this strange feeling. What I expected to be closure wasn't. The journey isn't complete, it's ongoing. No more than my leaving in 1976 left relationships undone only to realize closure in 2012, for a number of these people, my friends, who know me only as Johnny (ok, or JJ), it's just the next thing in relationships that last a lifetime.
As I was saying my goodbyes, my friend Michael (apparently he's Mike, now), says, "See you in December?"
"For?" I ask.
"For when Mayfield goes back to State. See you there?"
"Would not miss it."
And why wouldn't I? It's my hometown team.
Monday, June 25, 2012
You Take a Step - Year One
Not too long ago I wrote about my journeys of this past spring in reconnecting with old friends. It's one that continues in earnest with a profound opportunity on the horizon in just about 3 weeks.
I've never attended any high school reunions. Nothing against the fine folks at Wooddale's Class of '82, but that was never home. Southside? Southside felt like home, but I've not really reconnected in any meaningful way with my classmates. Truth is, I ran with the older bunch. For the guys I hung out with back in the day it would have made more sense for me to be a part of the class of '79. To this day I'm not sure how or why I was welcomed into that bunch, but I'll be forever thankful for it. There's some stories that could be told of the exploits of our crew south of the Forked Deer River, but you ain't getting 'em out of me.
If there was a class that I would have longed to be part of, it's Mayfield's Class of '82. I've reflected on that period of life and how formative it was for me. In the past year or so, as I've moved from believing all that was is past, to something yet unknown and wonderful could emerge, I've enjoyed having the Mayfield chapter of my life refreshed by new engagements with childhood friends.
So imagine my curiosity/surprise to receive an invitation from Mayfield's Class of '82's 30 year reunion. You're kidding, right? I left there in the 6th grade. Really?
And yes, it is real. And yes, I'm going. It's even over my birthday, but I'm going. Would not miss it. Have no idea what to expect, and don't really care...that's huge movement for me.
Movement has been a key word for me in the last 18 months.
Tomorrow, June 26, marks the one year anniversary of my intentional, daily physical movement. I started walking.
I was just beginning vacation. It was a time of focus. Something on the outside needed to begin reflecting the stirrings on the inside. And so I started.
I went from "I've got to start walking," to "walking." For some of us, the gulf between the two is immense.
In the last couple of months I've been asked a lot of questions about what, how and why of this whole thing. I've never really addressed them in any real way, until now. Let me say, I do this not to inspire, but to explain. And as much as I offer some detail of the movement in me, there's much more I cannot speak to through this medium. This is not one of the "brag" testimonies. So help me, when I was at my worst, watching or reading any of them did not inspire. They pissed me off.
We all have to find our path. This one's mine.
First, I have no idea how much weight I've lost. I don't care. It was never about a number. I've had to buy new clothes, twice, so if numbers matter, there's something to go on.
Second, it is true, I walk every day. Every day. Every day. I've missed a handful of days (5) in the year. When that has occurred it's because I was traveling or some extraordinary circumstance. Why? My logic is this - I walk because I don't want to die, not yet anyway. And when I don't walk, I don't exercise, and the temptation to be sedentary whispers. The daily goal of the alcoholic is not to drink, today. That's a good day's work. The daily goal of someone like me is to walk, today. No need worrying about tomorrow's "oughts." I deal with the daily.
Starting is hell. It was tough. But my life was on the line. So I did it. Into the second week while still in Florida last Summer I rolled my ankle on a pine cone. I was so frightened that I had done myself in before I started. I missed a couple of days and kept on going. Took forever for my ankle to go down, but hey, I know me. If I give myself an excuse, I won't do it.
Man, my feet and legs hurt for months. But I could not stop.
How much? For most of the year, I walked no less that 4 miles/day. A couple of miles wasn't enough. It had to be something that demanded real time. I walked in the brutal heat, the pouring rain, snow/sleet (which was awesome). I usually walk at night, sometimes very late. If you're in my neighborhood between 10-11:30, you'll probably see me. At least I hope you do, I've had to go to reflective clothing so I'm easy to spot. In the last couple of months, I've stepped up to 6 miles/day. I've walked through three pair of walking shoes in one year. Right now, I'm a Brooks Ghost fan. Like that shoe.
I've never done anything like this before.
Do I feel pride in myself?
Truly? No.
I look at the image in the mirror and I still have issues with him. Guess I always will.
Don't pat me on the back for discipline when desperation to not merely survive, but live - is the truer motivator.
Something walking has taught me...a simple lesson. When you walk, run, move...whatever it is you do, to do it means that by definition you are moving away from something and toward something else. Every step puts that much distance between the "you" you are, or were, and the you that's to be found ahead.
And maybe it's only now in my life that I could emerge and be what I'm called to be.
I've long thought the the insulation I carried was my version of a shield to protect what's out there from getting in. There may be some truth to that. You who know me know that I'm a good listener. I counsel well. I can be deep and insightful. But want to know what's going on in me? Not going to happen. Ain't nobody getting through...and with the rarest of exceptions (like one), nobody has.
But this past season has revealed something I least expected and the ramifications of it are at once liberating and frightening.
I've discovered that what I was doing was providing a barrier preventing who I am from being set loose out there.
It's easy to do. A life of complacency is easy to come by when occupied by life and all its entanglements.
If your rationale begins "for the good of"..and the next word is someone/something else that, while seeming to be noble brings you pain...you insulate yourself.
The job. The Church. The relationship. The family. The business. The reputation. If the "for the good of" mutes life's joy, what are you to do with that?
When am I going to stop? I stop. I die....physically, spiritually, and every other "ally" you can list. It's that simple.
How do I feel? Never like I've arrived. But I'm on the way. And I'm not sure where "there" is just yet. That has become so OK with me.
In my reflections in a recent post, I wrote, "... when you're lost in the wilderness, how do you even know where to begin to find your way out? Answer? You take a step.
Both literally and spiritually, you take a step.
And I've taken many in the past year, but not nearly as many as I've yet to take."
So there's my witness, such as it is at this point.
Lest you're tempted to ask "Who are you and what have you done with Johnny Jeffords?"
You'll find me on the road, earbuds cranked (I like the rock and roll), and moving somewhere between 4.3 - 4.6 mph.
I've never attended any high school reunions. Nothing against the fine folks at Wooddale's Class of '82, but that was never home. Southside? Southside felt like home, but I've not really reconnected in any meaningful way with my classmates. Truth is, I ran with the older bunch. For the guys I hung out with back in the day it would have made more sense for me to be a part of the class of '79. To this day I'm not sure how or why I was welcomed into that bunch, but I'll be forever thankful for it. There's some stories that could be told of the exploits of our crew south of the Forked Deer River, but you ain't getting 'em out of me.
If there was a class that I would have longed to be part of, it's Mayfield's Class of '82. I've reflected on that period of life and how formative it was for me. In the past year or so, as I've moved from believing all that was is past, to something yet unknown and wonderful could emerge, I've enjoyed having the Mayfield chapter of my life refreshed by new engagements with childhood friends.
So imagine my curiosity/surprise to receive an invitation from Mayfield's Class of '82's 30 year reunion. You're kidding, right? I left there in the 6th grade. Really?
And yes, it is real. And yes, I'm going. It's even over my birthday, but I'm going. Would not miss it. Have no idea what to expect, and don't really care...that's huge movement for me.
Movement has been a key word for me in the last 18 months.
Tomorrow, June 26, marks the one year anniversary of my intentional, daily physical movement. I started walking.
I was just beginning vacation. It was a time of focus. Something on the outside needed to begin reflecting the stirrings on the inside. And so I started.
I went from "I've got to start walking," to "walking." For some of us, the gulf between the two is immense.
In the last couple of months I've been asked a lot of questions about what, how and why of this whole thing. I've never really addressed them in any real way, until now. Let me say, I do this not to inspire, but to explain. And as much as I offer some detail of the movement in me, there's much more I cannot speak to through this medium. This is not one of the "brag" testimonies. So help me, when I was at my worst, watching or reading any of them did not inspire. They pissed me off.
We all have to find our path. This one's mine.
First, I have no idea how much weight I've lost. I don't care. It was never about a number. I've had to buy new clothes, twice, so if numbers matter, there's something to go on.
Second, it is true, I walk every day. Every day. Every day. I've missed a handful of days (5) in the year. When that has occurred it's because I was traveling or some extraordinary circumstance. Why? My logic is this - I walk because I don't want to die, not yet anyway. And when I don't walk, I don't exercise, and the temptation to be sedentary whispers. The daily goal of the alcoholic is not to drink, today. That's a good day's work. The daily goal of someone like me is to walk, today. No need worrying about tomorrow's "oughts." I deal with the daily.
Starting is hell. It was tough. But my life was on the line. So I did it. Into the second week while still in Florida last Summer I rolled my ankle on a pine cone. I was so frightened that I had done myself in before I started. I missed a couple of days and kept on going. Took forever for my ankle to go down, but hey, I know me. If I give myself an excuse, I won't do it.
Man, my feet and legs hurt for months. But I could not stop.
How much? For most of the year, I walked no less that 4 miles/day. A couple of miles wasn't enough. It had to be something that demanded real time. I walked in the brutal heat, the pouring rain, snow/sleet (which was awesome). I usually walk at night, sometimes very late. If you're in my neighborhood between 10-11:30, you'll probably see me. At least I hope you do, I've had to go to reflective clothing so I'm easy to spot. In the last couple of months, I've stepped up to 6 miles/day. I've walked through three pair of walking shoes in one year. Right now, I'm a Brooks Ghost fan. Like that shoe.
I've never done anything like this before.
Do I feel pride in myself?
Truly? No.
I look at the image in the mirror and I still have issues with him. Guess I always will.
Don't pat me on the back for discipline when desperation to not merely survive, but live - is the truer motivator.
Something walking has taught me...a simple lesson. When you walk, run, move...whatever it is you do, to do it means that by definition you are moving away from something and toward something else. Every step puts that much distance between the "you" you are, or were, and the you that's to be found ahead.
And maybe it's only now in my life that I could emerge and be what I'm called to be.
I've long thought the the insulation I carried was my version of a shield to protect what's out there from getting in. There may be some truth to that. You who know me know that I'm a good listener. I counsel well. I can be deep and insightful. But want to know what's going on in me? Not going to happen. Ain't nobody getting through...and with the rarest of exceptions (like one), nobody has.
But this past season has revealed something I least expected and the ramifications of it are at once liberating and frightening.
I've discovered that what I was doing was providing a barrier preventing who I am from being set loose out there.
It's easy to do. A life of complacency is easy to come by when occupied by life and all its entanglements.
If your rationale begins "for the good of"..and the next word is someone/something else that, while seeming to be noble brings you pain...you insulate yourself.
The job. The Church. The relationship. The family. The business. The reputation. If the "for the good of" mutes life's joy, what are you to do with that?
When am I going to stop? I stop. I die....physically, spiritually, and every other "ally" you can list. It's that simple.
How do I feel? Never like I've arrived. But I'm on the way. And I'm not sure where "there" is just yet. That has become so OK with me.
In my reflections in a recent post, I wrote, "... when you're lost in the wilderness, how do you even know where to begin to find your way out? Answer? You take a step.
Both literally and spiritually, you take a step.
And I've taken many in the past year, but not nearly as many as I've yet to take."
So there's my witness, such as it is at this point.
Lest you're tempted to ask "Who are you and what have you done with Johnny Jeffords?"
You'll find me on the road, earbuds cranked (I like the rock and roll), and moving somewhere between 4.3 - 4.6 mph.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
In Response to 'Inconvenient Truths'
For those who read this and don't know either of us...this is not an argument. It is conferencing. It is in the great Methodist tradition of Mr. Wesley who often penned letters articulating points of disagreement. Sky and I go back over 25 years. He is to this day one of my few trusted friends. I love him as a brother in Christ, and he has been as a brother to me, especially when I lost mine. I let him know I was writing a response, and he has seen it before I've posted it. The contents of this post does not contain anything he and I haven't discussed many, many times before.
Sky and I are contemporaries. In fact, I was ordained elder in the class a year ahead of him. We go back to college days and summers at Lakeshore. Our friendship, our love of worship and liturgy, our appreciation for a pint of stout or a fine bourbon is mutually shared (although, even from The Commonwealth, I have a heart for what emerges from Lynchburg, Tennessee). Sky is a faithful servant now swept up into a level of church leadership that I don't envy. It is a thankless task, and he is among those faithful to it.
I just want to acknowledge from the jump - anybody who quotes Zefram Cochrane to start a blogpost is already aces with me.
It is not my intent to point/counterpoint every one of the items he posits. Truth is, I'm in league with him on most of them, although I'd likely come at some of the same points from different perspectives. That's just the nature of being different people who seek unity in essentials, liberty in non essentials and charity in all things. I want to offer some basic points and then focus specifically on one that I want to come at differently.
Sky and I stand alongside each other in many ways as we have our lover's quarrel with the Church. We don't hate the Church. But the Church needs to change. As I've alluded in previous posts, I'm fearful that as a system, we, the Church, have so boxed ourselves in that the capacity to adapt and innovate is gone. We bought in wholesale to the thought that the Church stands firm while the world must be convicted to conformity. Whatever wisdom and intent there was in the establishment of polity to that end, the result is arrogance, a malaise of spirit, and an intractability of perspective that tins the ear of the Church from the real needs of people where they are.
The guiding presupposition, whether spoken or assumed, was that people will always see the Church as a constant pillar of strength, and will bend to it ultimately. You want to know why people don't come to church, or why they call themselves "spiritual" but not "religious?" It has nothing to do with Jesus, it has everything to do with the people who say they represent him. And I don't think the Church will ever understand the magnitude of amazing grace until it offers full, complete and unconditional confession to God for the ways we have masked our biases and prejudices in religious rhetoric and thereby poisoned a soul from ever wanting anything to do with God.
What was it that Jesus said of those who cause others turn away? Something about millstones? Necks? Very deep water? The capacity to pervert the holy for purposes other than God have always been there. It was that way in Jesus' time. It's that way now.
My friend Sky is a "facts" guy. He loves the stats, the actuarials, the structure of things. Being the pragmatist he is it's a perspective that must always be in the room. It keeps guys like me (you know, a Vandy liberal) from venturing off into theological la la land. And he's right, our mistrust of one another as a denomination will be our undoing as certainly as any other of the mountains we've to climb to reach wholeness. And yet, it is the historic track record to do harm to our own by virtue of being "other" (gendered, raced, prophetically witnessed, etc.) that gave the guaranteed appointment a theologically grounded place in our polity. There are constituencies that would never had voice in the church without the guarantee that they had a place. I agree that the unintended consequence of what the guaranteed appointment has wrought on our Church justifies ending it, but to lump it into a consent agenda at GC, have it done away with so easily without articulating clearly that this is meant to deal with those who are ineffective, not those who are prophetic, was a moment missed to bring that disjoined bunch in Tampa together.
The work of DS gives Sky a keener view of the issues wrapped up into appointments, the itineracy and the obstacles in both. I honor and respect his perspective. The appointment system is a mess and it is complicated by those of us (like me) who serve appointments without parsonages and have our own homes. The cascading impact of inconsistent itineracy, diminishing congregations and the consequence of their lack of resources from the local level all the way up the pipeline while having placed from the top/down increasingly heftier prior claims on every dollar (mostly because of clergy benefits) is purely untenable. It just is.
I was in the room when the discussion was ongoing on the floor of annual conference about the salary adjustments for our superintendents. I didn't engage the conference on that point but I did have fun texting Sky and admonishing them for the money grubbing scoundrels they all are!! :) There were multiple dynamics working in the room, more than any one of us could identify. And while I think Sky's perspective has place on this point, it is not the totality of what was operating on the floor that day.
But the disconnect between what we say about God reflected in our conference theme, "Extravagant Generosity," and what we actually do as a people is an apt image for the Church writ large identifying the existential crisis of our time.
And now I address the point in Sky's blog where I come at a question from a different perspective -
His first point, "Changing the stance on homosexuality in The United Methodist Church will not stop the loss of membership in the denomination." Wanting to be clear that I understood exactly what he intended, I called him. I take the position that the statement is a red herring. It's the wrong question.
I'm not clear who would be making such an assertion that changing the denomination's stance on homosexuality would equal an increase in church membership. It's wrong headed on its face. And Sky gives stats as to why that's the case. A misdirected question further obscures the heart of the matter. It comes off as rhetorical subterfuge to avoid what must really be addressed. My suspicion is that to change our position would accelerate a decrease on some fronts but not all. . And doing it is still the right thing. It's the gospel thing to do. And to my mind, nothing else matters.
He and I are not of one mind on this point. I know it. He knows it. And we love each other through it. As the Church, we are utterly entrenched, so much so that we are unable to acknowledge what is true about where our Church is on this matter. Think of it this way - when justice, God's justice is subject to a vote, you know we've got an inherent problem.
Consider...our Church continues to codify exclusion. It's just that simple. And we have wasted so much energy defending turf, doing battle...the leading voices are mere caricatures of the polemic. When I have to argue with a caricature, I don't have to deal with the particular, the personal, the one I know who is so powerfully gifted by God to spread Gospel and our hearts are too hardened to care, and our system won't allow it.
Another red herring...we have to keep it as is for the good of the Church. Child, please. "For the good of the Church" is code for "keeping things as they are," which means keeping them the way the majority wants.
If ever you think a democracy equals Christocracy, somebody needs to wake up.
Do you hear Jesus saying "Great job! United Methodists! It's unfortunate, but necessary, for the good the Church, keep those folks out!" That's full blown, unadulterated "cover' for the system. It's not grace based, no way, no how.
Fear a split in the Church? What Tampa has shown is that if there is a split it will be about power, who has it and who doesn't and not so much about human sexuality. It is the appearance of a social issue being the culprit that masks truer intent.
"But we're a global church, and different realities necessitate keeping things as they are." Take caution, United Methodist Church, the very thing we herald with pride, being a global church, might well be idolatry of another kind.
I believe the Church could have its heart transformed by this change. And I grieve another day of it not happening. And while I believe the Church is wrong on this front, I will not be an insurrectionist. I will not dishonor my vows. I do not judge those who are choosing that path, but I do think it unwise. It's hard to see how that ushers in an age of grace. Rather, it furthers the entrenchment.
This issue is not about whether or not you understand, or even agree. It's about whether or not
we as a Church will be guided by the inexplicable nature of God's love and grace. And let's be clear, we are not modeling the grace we say matters so much in our behaviors toward each other on this point and on more than a few others, including how we will order our life together going forward.
And the world is watching. And so is God.
That may well be the most inconvenient truth of all.
Sky and I are contemporaries. In fact, I was ordained elder in the class a year ahead of him. We go back to college days and summers at Lakeshore. Our friendship, our love of worship and liturgy, our appreciation for a pint of stout or a fine bourbon is mutually shared (although, even from The Commonwealth, I have a heart for what emerges from Lynchburg, Tennessee). Sky is a faithful servant now swept up into a level of church leadership that I don't envy. It is a thankless task, and he is among those faithful to it.
I just want to acknowledge from the jump - anybody who quotes Zefram Cochrane to start a blogpost is already aces with me.
It is not my intent to point/counterpoint every one of the items he posits. Truth is, I'm in league with him on most of them, although I'd likely come at some of the same points from different perspectives. That's just the nature of being different people who seek unity in essentials, liberty in non essentials and charity in all things. I want to offer some basic points and then focus specifically on one that I want to come at differently.
Sky and I stand alongside each other in many ways as we have our lover's quarrel with the Church. We don't hate the Church. But the Church needs to change. As I've alluded in previous posts, I'm fearful that as a system, we, the Church, have so boxed ourselves in that the capacity to adapt and innovate is gone. We bought in wholesale to the thought that the Church stands firm while the world must be convicted to conformity. Whatever wisdom and intent there was in the establishment of polity to that end, the result is arrogance, a malaise of spirit, and an intractability of perspective that tins the ear of the Church from the real needs of people where they are.
The guiding presupposition, whether spoken or assumed, was that people will always see the Church as a constant pillar of strength, and will bend to it ultimately. You want to know why people don't come to church, or why they call themselves "spiritual" but not "religious?" It has nothing to do with Jesus, it has everything to do with the people who say they represent him. And I don't think the Church will ever understand the magnitude of amazing grace until it offers full, complete and unconditional confession to God for the ways we have masked our biases and prejudices in religious rhetoric and thereby poisoned a soul from ever wanting anything to do with God.
What was it that Jesus said of those who cause others turn away? Something about millstones? Necks? Very deep water? The capacity to pervert the holy for purposes other than God have always been there. It was that way in Jesus' time. It's that way now.
My friend Sky is a "facts" guy. He loves the stats, the actuarials, the structure of things. Being the pragmatist he is it's a perspective that must always be in the room. It keeps guys like me (you know, a Vandy liberal) from venturing off into theological la la land. And he's right, our mistrust of one another as a denomination will be our undoing as certainly as any other of the mountains we've to climb to reach wholeness. And yet, it is the historic track record to do harm to our own by virtue of being "other" (gendered, raced, prophetically witnessed, etc.) that gave the guaranteed appointment a theologically grounded place in our polity. There are constituencies that would never had voice in the church without the guarantee that they had a place. I agree that the unintended consequence of what the guaranteed appointment has wrought on our Church justifies ending it, but to lump it into a consent agenda at GC, have it done away with so easily without articulating clearly that this is meant to deal with those who are ineffective, not those who are prophetic, was a moment missed to bring that disjoined bunch in Tampa together.
The work of DS gives Sky a keener view of the issues wrapped up into appointments, the itineracy and the obstacles in both. I honor and respect his perspective. The appointment system is a mess and it is complicated by those of us (like me) who serve appointments without parsonages and have our own homes. The cascading impact of inconsistent itineracy, diminishing congregations and the consequence of their lack of resources from the local level all the way up the pipeline while having placed from the top/down increasingly heftier prior claims on every dollar (mostly because of clergy benefits) is purely untenable. It just is.
I was in the room when the discussion was ongoing on the floor of annual conference about the salary adjustments for our superintendents. I didn't engage the conference on that point but I did have fun texting Sky and admonishing them for the money grubbing scoundrels they all are!! :) There were multiple dynamics working in the room, more than any one of us could identify. And while I think Sky's perspective has place on this point, it is not the totality of what was operating on the floor that day.
But the disconnect between what we say about God reflected in our conference theme, "Extravagant Generosity," and what we actually do as a people is an apt image for the Church writ large identifying the existential crisis of our time.
And now I address the point in Sky's blog where I come at a question from a different perspective -
His first point, "Changing the stance on homosexuality in The United Methodist Church will not stop the loss of membership in the denomination." Wanting to be clear that I understood exactly what he intended, I called him. I take the position that the statement is a red herring. It's the wrong question.
I'm not clear who would be making such an assertion that changing the denomination's stance on homosexuality would equal an increase in church membership. It's wrong headed on its face. And Sky gives stats as to why that's the case. A misdirected question further obscures the heart of the matter. It comes off as rhetorical subterfuge to avoid what must really be addressed. My suspicion is that to change our position would accelerate a decrease on some fronts but not all. . And doing it is still the right thing. It's the gospel thing to do. And to my mind, nothing else matters.
He and I are not of one mind on this point. I know it. He knows it. And we love each other through it. As the Church, we are utterly entrenched, so much so that we are unable to acknowledge what is true about where our Church is on this matter. Think of it this way - when justice, God's justice is subject to a vote, you know we've got an inherent problem.
Consider...our Church continues to codify exclusion. It's just that simple. And we have wasted so much energy defending turf, doing battle...the leading voices are mere caricatures of the polemic. When I have to argue with a caricature, I don't have to deal with the particular, the personal, the one I know who is so powerfully gifted by God to spread Gospel and our hearts are too hardened to care, and our system won't allow it.
Another red herring...we have to keep it as is for the good of the Church. Child, please. "For the good of the Church" is code for "keeping things as they are," which means keeping them the way the majority wants.
If ever you think a democracy equals Christocracy, somebody needs to wake up.
Do you hear Jesus saying "Great job! United Methodists! It's unfortunate, but necessary, for the good the Church, keep those folks out!" That's full blown, unadulterated "cover' for the system. It's not grace based, no way, no how.
Fear a split in the Church? What Tampa has shown is that if there is a split it will be about power, who has it and who doesn't and not so much about human sexuality. It is the appearance of a social issue being the culprit that masks truer intent.
"But we're a global church, and different realities necessitate keeping things as they are." Take caution, United Methodist Church, the very thing we herald with pride, being a global church, might well be idolatry of another kind.
I believe the Church could have its heart transformed by this change. And I grieve another day of it not happening. And while I believe the Church is wrong on this front, I will not be an insurrectionist. I will not dishonor my vows. I do not judge those who are choosing that path, but I do think it unwise. It's hard to see how that ushers in an age of grace. Rather, it furthers the entrenchment.
This issue is not about whether or not you understand, or even agree. It's about whether or not
we as a Church will be guided by the inexplicable nature of God's love and grace. And let's be clear, we are not modeling the grace we say matters so much in our behaviors toward each other on this point and on more than a few others, including how we will order our life together going forward.
And the world is watching. And so is God.
That may well be the most inconvenient truth of all.
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